Find More Than Just Jesus...

As you know, my Busia (grandmother) died a couple of weeks ago. She was my last grandparent and I visited or talked to her weekly. Since I had been in college, I was talking to her twice a week. I actually was about to call her the night of her fatal stroke...

I've always considered myself to be very religious. I have gone to church weekly for as long as I can remember and use my religious background to help form some of my beliefs. The last couple years, though, I have seen myself drifting away from religion. I would still go to mass but I just wouldn't pay attention as much or would be angry with The Big Guy. However, ever since I've entered college, I found myself to be growing into my religion even more. I go to mass twenty minutes early just to pray and gather myself - when at home we would get there as it was starting or would chat before hand. During mass, some people think something is wrong with me because I look so serious but I am just so focused on it - or at least am trying to be.

So, what does one, have to do with the other?

Well, since my grandma got her stroke and eventually died from it - I lost my means of communication with her. So, for some reason, I found it through church. I have been using it as a means to talk to her and update her on my left - ironically, once a week, on Sundays, just the way she liked it. It has not only given me another reason to go to church but it has almost strengthened my will while in church. I find myself talking to God more while at church now than ever before, even going as far as to pray the Our Father in Latin just to make it more personal before hand. I also am talking to my other grandma, asking her to "show Busia around." Through this, I am keeping and remaking connections with two very important people in my life and hope that this will help me in the long run. Maybe I've just gained two guardian angels, I mean I'm constantly reminded of them both in little occurrences in the day.

I guess all I'm saying is that maybe there is more to Church than simple fulfilling an obligation or saying stagnant repetitive prayers. Anyways, enjoy....

"So Sick of Love Songs"

"Cuz I'm so sick of love songs, so tired of tears, so sick of wishing you were still here. So sick of love songs, so sad and slow, but why can't I turn off the radio?" Ne-yo sang this song a couple of years ago - ironically it was a long song - but its so true; as sick of long songs as you might get, you can't turn them off. I mean, right now, I'm listening to "The way you look tonight." It's old but it's a classic and very mellowing.

I seem to have been ending my nights with songs like these. I just moved to "Harvest Moon" by Neil Young. I feel like its a nice, soft way to end the night but maybe it is what keeps me up thinking at night - though I did try a "happier" song, stand by me, last night and it took me an uber long time to fall asleep so it's debatable. All-in-all though, you have to love love songs. They are everywhere and sometimes make you sad, or melancholy, but they just attract one and all. They seem to speak the words that you can't find, and that is what makes them so attracting while repulsing. It's an enigma, but one we love to have. Anyways, now, for Neil, I shall go off topic to end it...

Tonight I went out, and hung out with some people - mostly guys from my hall but there was also one other guy and this girl. After the party, we went to the Subway and were chilling and I reran into my friend and she was like "We are going to my room to chill, come with me." So I said sure and went. However, before I left, the girl started making sexual innuendoes saying I should use protection or wrap it up. It's just silly that one can't hang out with someone, without sex being involved. There you go, Neil, there is the mentioning of sex.

Enjoy...

The One Time My Heart Won the Battle...

So, I previously stated how my mind hampers me sometimes - er, most times - causing me to not act, not trust, not believe, not...well you get the point. People oft talk about the power of the heart; how it can overcome the brain/mind. Well, I was always cynical about it because my mind holds such a powerful force over me. Sometimes, even when my heart wanted to take the lead, my mind overruled it. Scratch that, most times. It might be sad to say, but my perpetually blue and cynical mind lost the battle once and it potentially will only strengthen the grip my mind has on me because I think the heart will lead me to grief rather than happiness; at least so far that's been the case.

I know I shouldn't like her, I know I can "do better," or she "isn't worth it." That's probably the truth but I can't get past it. I can't stop thinking about her, and it equally eats away at me because this entire situation leaves me stupendously confused and uneasy. If she doesn't feel the same way, that's fine; but the situation is so gray. She says how she "still cares for me a lot," but her flirty nature scares me; plus, this other guy seems to be mad hitting on her and she acknowledges him. I don't want to come across as desperate - I just want to know the truth but the situation is so difficult because I work with her and I don't want to ruin that atmosphere. F*** distances. I don't know what it is but there is something about her that keeps me attracted even though I know that I should just stop. Maybe it's because early in the summer we were talking and I ended up saying something like I "don't have a heart." She told me that I have a heart, so I said well "I guess I at least have a half a heart, if you find the other half let me know," and she responded, "maybe I'll just keep it." Well, I think she found it - and kept it. I just don't think she even remembers or realizes that conversation. I'm different from others, as cynical and "mad at the world" as I am, I'm a deep down romantic. Stupid heart, let me be; but stupid head, let me be. I need help...and should've brought my armor because, as the song states, love is like a battlefield! Oh well, she is and forever will be beautiful to me...