Find More Than Just Jesus...

As you know, my Busia (grandmother) died a couple of weeks ago. She was my last grandparent and I visited or talked to her weekly. Since I had been in college, I was talking to her twice a week. I actually was about to call her the night of her fatal stroke...

I've always considered myself to be very religious. I have gone to church weekly for as long as I can remember and use my religious background to help form some of my beliefs. The last couple years, though, I have seen myself drifting away from religion. I would still go to mass but I just wouldn't pay attention as much or would be angry with The Big Guy. However, ever since I've entered college, I found myself to be growing into my religion even more. I go to mass twenty minutes early just to pray and gather myself - when at home we would get there as it was starting or would chat before hand. During mass, some people think something is wrong with me because I look so serious but I am just so focused on it - or at least am trying to be.

So, what does one, have to do with the other?

Well, since my grandma got her stroke and eventually died from it - I lost my means of communication with her. So, for some reason, I found it through church. I have been using it as a means to talk to her and update her on my left - ironically, once a week, on Sundays, just the way she liked it. It has not only given me another reason to go to church but it has almost strengthened my will while in church. I find myself talking to God more while at church now than ever before, even going as far as to pray the Our Father in Latin just to make it more personal before hand. I also am talking to my other grandma, asking her to "show Busia around." Through this, I am keeping and remaking connections with two very important people in my life and hope that this will help me in the long run. Maybe I've just gained two guardian angels, I mean I'm constantly reminded of them both in little occurrences in the day.

I guess all I'm saying is that maybe there is more to Church than simple fulfilling an obligation or saying stagnant repetitive prayers. Anyways, enjoy....

"So Sick of Love Songs"

"Cuz I'm so sick of love songs, so tired of tears, so sick of wishing you were still here. So sick of love songs, so sad and slow, but why can't I turn off the radio?" Ne-yo sang this song a couple of years ago - ironically it was a long song - but its so true; as sick of long songs as you might get, you can't turn them off. I mean, right now, I'm listening to "The way you look tonight." It's old but it's a classic and very mellowing.

I seem to have been ending my nights with songs like these. I just moved to "Harvest Moon" by Neil Young. I feel like its a nice, soft way to end the night but maybe it is what keeps me up thinking at night - though I did try a "happier" song, stand by me, last night and it took me an uber long time to fall asleep so it's debatable. All-in-all though, you have to love love songs. They are everywhere and sometimes make you sad, or melancholy, but they just attract one and all. They seem to speak the words that you can't find, and that is what makes them so attracting while repulsing. It's an enigma, but one we love to have. Anyways, now, for Neil, I shall go off topic to end it...

Tonight I went out, and hung out with some people - mostly guys from my hall but there was also one other guy and this girl. After the party, we went to the Subway and were chilling and I reran into my friend and she was like "We are going to my room to chill, come with me." So I said sure and went. However, before I left, the girl started making sexual innuendoes saying I should use protection or wrap it up. It's just silly that one can't hang out with someone, without sex being involved. There you go, Neil, there is the mentioning of sex.

Enjoy...

The One Time My Heart Won the Battle...

So, I previously stated how my mind hampers me sometimes - er, most times - causing me to not act, not trust, not believe, not...well you get the point. People oft talk about the power of the heart; how it can overcome the brain/mind. Well, I was always cynical about it because my mind holds such a powerful force over me. Sometimes, even when my heart wanted to take the lead, my mind overruled it. Scratch that, most times. It might be sad to say, but my perpetually blue and cynical mind lost the battle once and it potentially will only strengthen the grip my mind has on me because I think the heart will lead me to grief rather than happiness; at least so far that's been the case.

I know I shouldn't like her, I know I can "do better," or she "isn't worth it." That's probably the truth but I can't get past it. I can't stop thinking about her, and it equally eats away at me because this entire situation leaves me stupendously confused and uneasy. If she doesn't feel the same way, that's fine; but the situation is so gray. She says how she "still cares for me a lot," but her flirty nature scares me; plus, this other guy seems to be mad hitting on her and she acknowledges him. I don't want to come across as desperate - I just want to know the truth but the situation is so difficult because I work with her and I don't want to ruin that atmosphere. F*** distances. I don't know what it is but there is something about her that keeps me attracted even though I know that I should just stop. Maybe it's because early in the summer we were talking and I ended up saying something like I "don't have a heart." She told me that I have a heart, so I said well "I guess I at least have a half a heart, if you find the other half let me know," and she responded, "maybe I'll just keep it." Well, I think she found it - and kept it. I just don't think she even remembers or realizes that conversation. I'm different from others, as cynical and "mad at the world" as I am, I'm a deep down romantic. Stupid heart, let me be; but stupid head, let me be. I need help...and should've brought my armor because, as the song states, love is like a battlefield! Oh well, she is and forever will be beautiful to me...

The First Step to Recovery?

"I want to get better, whatever the hell that means. I'm sick of being miserable..." "You've driven everyone away...why can't you trust people?" I watched the first episode of the season of House, MD last night on hulu.com. For those of you who don't know, House is like the only show I watched in high school; the only show that I made time for. Well, those quotes above really hit me hard, and it may even materialize the reason I like House so much - I am like him.

I have major trust issues, I either don't let people get close or I push them away. Though my lack of trust does not come close to House's - probably because it is TV and he is more intelligent than me - I feel like I do the same thing and desperately need to change. I let this lack of trust eat away at me; it makes me depressed and it makes me hide myself from people. I am incredibly scared that I am going to end up alone because I will never find someone right for me. I know you may be thinking "you still have time" or "there is someone for you." However, it is just not that simple; yes, there is someone out there for me but if I don't trust that person how will we ever fall in love? My cynicism and lack of trust combine to make a formidable opponent. I think that when I do start to get close to someone I lose trust even more, both in the person and myself, causing me to be hesitant about my moves and eventually lose that person. Also, I feel that I sometimes pick the wrong people to trust - which definitely doesn't help.

So, how do I get better? How do I change this? I really haven't a clue; but what I do know is that, like House, I am sick of this. Do I see a change anytime soon? No, not really. Yes, this is the perfect opportunity to start anew, but I don't know if I can take being hurt. I hate being vulnerable, I hate not knowing. I guess I'll just have to, metaphorically, start off by putting my toe in the water - I have trouble even doing that though. On the outside, I can put up a happy front but deep down I'm sad and lonely. I don't want to end up old and alone...I yearn for someone...--Robert L. Lisiecki

Move in day...

So, it finally happened; somewhere, somehow I grew up. I am currently sitting in my dorm - in my bed - writing this blog. It still hasn't quite hit me yet but I'm sure it will soon. I'm in college and I don't know how it happened. Anyways....

Well today was a crazy day. It started off at 3:50 a.m. - way too early if you ask me. We started our pillage through Michigan towards Xavier just after 4. I stayed up for a little less that an hour with my dad then proceeded to fall asleep; which was all good and dandy until I was abruptly woken up at 6 and didn't sleep anymore. It is now 12 AM. I have been up for a solid 20 hours...maybe a little less. Right before we finally got there around 9 I realized that I had lost my phone which really sucked. Luckily, someone found it and just so happened to be traveling to Cincinnati so we were able to meet on the way and only get sidetracked 10 minutes. Moved in, craziness and a half. Yada Yada Yada

The actual orientation started at 3 and by that time I was already tired; and fell asleep a couple of times during the couple of speeches. Then it was time to say goodbye, that was done, and quickly followed by meeting our "small groups" (of 25 people). Side note; right before that some random kid came up to me and awkwardly started a conversation...welcome to college? Anyways, things were pretty slow for a bit, my RA had our hall say something that we were "suckers" for and things that "blow" - hilarious but some of the rules sounded a little sad. To end the night we had this crazy thing where all of our class met in the Cintas Center (where the basketball team plays) and we just had this crazy two hours of craziness it was random but fun as hell - meeting the new bball coach followed. So, its not as detailed as it could be but I'm tired so peace out home skillet!

Ode to You, Michigan [weather]

So, I went to a Detroit Tiger's game this past week - quite the experience. The preface of the story doesn't matter, and neither does the game; even though they sucked and lost. The true story in the game was not the pitching, batting, managing, or redonculousness of food prices; no, it was the weather.
That day exhibited the truest truth of our grand ol' state: the random baffling weather. When we arrived at the game it was 67 and raining for the first hour or so (before the game started). It was cloudy, cold, and miserable. As the time progressed and the rain continued, it got hot. Yes, it was the weirdest feeling ever, I was actually burning up while being rained on. I didn't know what to do; should I keep my hoodie on or off?! Also, even though it was cloudy and no sun or sky could be seen, the sun's presence was so strongly felt that no one could look up for it would hurt their eyes. Then, the rain stopped, and as time went on it got hotter and the clouds magically disappeared. This was all good and dandy except for the fact that it got so hot that we ended up sweating and some even had to put on sun screen in fear of burning (after previously wishing they had brought extra clothes because they were freezing, mind you).
Well, after the game, the clouds came back, it got cool again and proceeded to rain. Upon returning back to where I work and dropping the kids off, the heat was back, the clouds were gone, and I was in pure discombobulation waiting for the snow to come....Only in Michigan.

Finding The Medium...err, Median

So, my dad kind of has a thing for picking out random movies that end up being really good; last night was one of those nights. We watched this movie called the Creatora (from '83 I believe). The movie was a little long but overall very good and had a meaning behind it.

It showed how one needs to find a balance - which is obvious but sometimes missed. In this case it was to show that a balance is needed to be found between knowing when to fight for what you believe in and when to move on; this concept (which for the professor/dr. started as fighting for what you believe in - giving your entire mind, body, and soul to something - no matter what other people say or think) was called the "Big Picture" - and could only be revealed by self-enlightenment....

Basically, the Dr./Professor spent all his spare time trying to bring his dead wife back to life by using her cells to regrow her - in a sense. The there was a lab assistant who found love. Don't want to ruin the movie so I'll just give a quick synapses of it...the boy found love and found disaster - forcing him to learn to fight - while the old man drove everyone away with his crazy antics and lost some (alive) who loved him and had to learn to move on.

So, what is to be learned from this movie? Well, my interpretation, I think that basically if you find something that you believe in it fight for it and be strong in yourself and what you believe in it. Put forth all of your effort, heart, time, soul, etc. If you do, you will acheive your goal. However, if this goal or thing is dead beat or beaten to death one must learn to move on, that life goes on. "I love her, and I will fight for her. But if she's dead, she's dead." This really seems to fit into life in general...a good mantra. Oh life lessons...adieu.