"I want to get better, whatever the hell that means. I'm sick of being miserable..." "You've driven everyone away...why can't you trust people?" I watched the first episode of the season of House, MD last night on hulu.com. For those of you who don't know, House is like the only show I watched in high school; the only show that I made time for. Well, those quotes above really hit me hard, and it may even materialize the reason I like House so much - I am like him.
I have major trust issues, I either don't let people get close or I push them away. Though my lack of trust does not come close to House's - probably because it is TV and he is more intelligent than me - I feel like I do the same thing and desperately need to change. I let this lack of trust eat away at me; it makes me depressed and it makes me hide myself from people. I am incredibly scared that I am going to end up alone because I will never find someone right for me. I know you may be thinking "you still have time" or "there is someone for you." However, it is just not that simple; yes, there is someone out there for me but if I don't trust that person how will we ever fall in love? My cynicism and lack of trust combine to make a formidable opponent. I think that when I do start to get close to someone I lose trust even more, both in the person and myself, causing me to be hesitant about my moves and eventually lose that person. Also, I feel that I sometimes pick the wrong people to trust - which definitely doesn't help.
So, how do I get better? How do I change this? I really haven't a clue; but what I do know is that, like House, I am sick of this. Do I see a change anytime soon? No, not really. Yes, this is the perfect opportunity to start anew, but I don't know if I can take being hurt. I hate being vulnerable, I hate not knowing. I guess I'll just have to, metaphorically, start off by putting my toe in the water - I have trouble even doing that though. On the outside, I can put up a happy front but deep down I'm sad and lonely. I don't want to end up old and alone...I yearn for someone...--Robert L. Lisiecki
